can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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