i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
