I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
