tonight lets celebrate not being married
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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