A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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