How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
