Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize