ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
