Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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