Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
