I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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