Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
