Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
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I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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