No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
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you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
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I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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