proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The police scanner is talking about you again....
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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