Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
