Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Randomize
