Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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