i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
