My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize