If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
