i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
