well I can't set my house on fire every night
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
