Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
