what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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