I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
