You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize