We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
