I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
