i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
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So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
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i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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