wat bout pragnant strippers??
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
