I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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