We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
