for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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