Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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