Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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