my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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