Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
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