that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
