yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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