he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
