Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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