there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
