Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
