His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Randomize
