Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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