His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
