You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
