How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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