just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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