I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
