I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
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Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
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Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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