Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
