Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
