I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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