Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Randomize
