bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
